Hard
Life has the potential to change with one phone call. All things which mattered so much before “the call” no longer do.
March 16, 2018, was one of those days. The voice on the other end of the line spoke words I heard but could not process. The moment was surreal. “Nancy, I’m so sorry to tell you but, you have breast cancer.”
My heart shattered.
Everything Stops
Cancer. Me. No. Please.
Over the next few days, we gathered those closest to us. My son Griffin lives in Ukraine, my daughter Amanda in Arizona, my other son Eli lives in town. I needed them to know before we told anyone else.
We prayed and asked God for strength, mercy, and hope. Tears flowed without stopping. My sweet husband held me close. We were afraid of the unknown. I wanted this to be a bad dream but there was no waking up.
The cancer world has a language all its own. It has players I never wanted to meet. Oncologist. Radiologist. Surgeon. I found myself in a club which didn’t offer polite invitations, you were pulled in even when you didn’t want to join. I tried hard to keep my eyes on Jesus.
A few short days after the initial diagnosis, we found ourselves facing an entire day of meetings with folks I would come to know as “my team.”
Tammy, my precious friend offered to sit with me and be my ears and brain. I knew it would be more than I would ever be able to absorb and process on my own. I gratefully said yes. More tears. I was was finding the grace of incredible friends a balm to my weary soul.
Hard Places
There were a lot of words. Tammy took notes. I wanted to go home.
- Aggressive.
- Fast growing.
- Chemotherapy.
- Hair loss.
- Radiation.
- Surgery.
My oncologist, Dr. C looked me in the eyes as I gripped tightly to the hand of my friend trying to take all of this in and said: “this is beatable and treatable but it is going to be ugly”.
I did not want to do this. Any of it. I wanted to go home. I was afraid. Really. I asked Jesus to make it go away. Now.
Instead, we scheduled the installation of a port in my chest for chemotherapy to begin.
As of this writing, I have had two chemo treatments three weeks apart and so far each has taken nine hours. I take my new favorite blanket with me and wear cute boots when I go.
I have met amazing warrior women who are walking this path just ahead of me. Their stories inspire and encourage me. They are strong and brave. They are fighting to win and I am too. Life is more precious than ever before and Jesus more real.
All of the things you hear about chemo are mostly true. It is ugly. We will just leave it there as no one needs a play by play of how much my body does not like what it is going to take to kill these ugly cancer cells.
My hair fell out in clumps within two weeks. Another friend shaves my head for me. Oh, Jesus.
Sweet Mercy
What if there is something holy about God’s presence and purpose in our pain? What if In the hardest of places, it is an unexpected mercy?
Fear. He is there.
Brokenness. He holds us together.
Questions. His shoulders are bigger.
Loneliness. He brings the grace of others to shoulder our hard things.
The path ahead is still very much unknown. Some days are good, others hard and others still harder. I ask daily for strength and grace to walk with courage. My daily prayer is to honor Jesus with every step.
You are on a journey too. I wish we could have coffee together. We would sit across the table and I would hold your hand. I want to tell you your hard places are sacred. They matter and so do you. It’s hard work to keep walking, but we can do hard things.
I am finding I need to ask for help and be willing to accept it. This is hard. Reluctantly I am learning to be kinder to my body and listen when it pleads for rest. We are finite beings and have limits. I am learning to lean in and simply trust when the next step is unsteady. Another hard thing.
Sweet reader friend, I pray somewhere within these words you find life, hope, and grace for the path you are on. Lean into your hard place. You will find Him there.
God is good. Always.
Healing is a worthy gift. But the sweet mercy of hard places just might be, too.
Be strong & courageous.
Don’t be afraid.
God is with you. I Chronicles 28:20
Question: What is your story? How have you seen the mercy of hard places unfold in your life? How has it changed you?
When was your last mammogram? My tumor was found during a routine screening. Please schedule one today if you have been putting it off. Bring a friend. Make it a girlfriend day.
And lastly, please share today’s post with someone who needs the encouragement of finding sweet mercy in unexpected places.
Hugs & Blessings-
My dear Coach Nancy may Genesis 1:1 God continue to keep you and your loved ones strong. Praying ?? that your faith fail not my sister.
Blessings to you as well sweet one for a faith which remains strong and strength for each day. 🙂
What a dramatic moment in yours and your family’s life! I’m profoundly sorry for your diagnosis and the difficult journey you are taking. I’m impressed by your courage and your ability to inspire and encourage others during such a challenging time. To be able to describe the situation and your emotions in such a compelling way… Girl, you have the soul of a writer! Mine and my family’s prayers are with you. We are confident that your fighting spirit will prevail, Nancy!
Thank you! The fight IS on!
I am sending you so much love right now <3 . Cancer hit our family two years ago, the first and only time. My youngest sister, (who just 5 yrs prior lost her husband in a motorcycle accident), with two boys under 10. We were devastated. How can this happen? So many questions. She got through with the strength of family, friends and God. She is free and clear now but we pray daily. Thank you so much for sharing your story. xoxo
Iva- life brings us so many unanswered questions this side of heaven. Thankful your sister is free and clear. The strength of those close to us is a treasure in the midst of hard places. She, I am sure counted your support and love as a precious gift.
Sweet Nancy, thank you for having the courage to share your story. God bless you on your journey, and especially when your spirits are low. So very thankful you have a team of love around you♥
Christa- Blessings to you my friend- thank you for your love and encouragement!
When we write in hard times what comes out is most powerful. Behind the words of this post is a woman who is a courageous warrior. One who is truly leaning in to her hard times and Him. I know he will use your words to offer much hope, encouragement, and comfort to many others.
This post took me back to a time when I leaned in to the hard places of my own life. I came out of an abusive marriage. Found myself raising 2 girls alone, broken, battered, anxious, fearful, and confused. Life shattered. In that long season when I felt I had nothing left or couldn’t see the light of hope beyond my pain…I leaned in…to God. And you’re right… He meets us there.
He brought me friends and family when I needed someone. Showed me He is my hope for tomorrow that reached far beyond my earthly circumstances. Life became beautiful again. This time much better than before life shattered.
He is the change that heals … so we can have a purpose in the midst of and beyond our pain. One that surpasses all we could hope for. We become His courageous survivors and warriors for Him!
Cori- Thankful with you for the one who meets us in the hard places. He is closer than our next breath…
Nancy – This post is so well written, encouraging, soul-prodding. We are praying for you regularly. My husband, Dale, prays for “Caroline’s Tribe Girlfriend, Nancy.” I do believe God will bring you to a place of healing. But I know you already have won, as your future is secure in Jesus. No one will love you more than He does. Thank you for encouraging many, myself included, through the challenges and trials we face. You are bold & beautiful (with hair or not!).
Nancy – Your story touches my heart so deeply, sweet lady. I am praying for you. My husband, Dale, is praying for “Caroline’s Tribe Girlfriend, Nancy.” We are lifting you up. I thank you for this perspective here. Fear is only from the enemy. While I believe you’ve got this beat, the real victory is in Jesus, and you already have that (though experiencing the sweet intimacy all the more). We will continue to hold you and your family before our God, who loves you more than anybody in this world ever can.
Sending that virtual hug, Caroline
Oh friend- your prayers, your heart… and your hubby too- such a treasure!
Oh dear Nancy. Thank you for your precious words. You’re not alone, sister. And you’re gorgeous with your scarf! Of course, your beauty shines through your words and heart. It’s coming upon a year this Mother’s day that my marriage was crumbling with the onset of my husband’s episode. With so much stigma around mental illness, I’m now writing my memoir “Beyond Messy Marriages.” God is meeting me there. And my marriage is in tact! You’re a brave woman, Nancy. Love you!
Judy-
Thankful with you for the steps and healing in your marriage in the past year. God truly does meet us at our deepest place of need. He is as close as the very mention of His name.
Hugs-
Nancy, God puts you on my mind every day. I ask him to strengthen you, to let you feel his presence, to help you remember that he cares about every step you take. I love that you have decided to share those steps, though they are difficult ones, though you now belong to a club you never asked to join. I have felt that closeness as I’ve gone through hard times, miscarriages, losses of people I loved, my sister’s murder, and Livie slipping into heaven at just 14 months. And each and every time God showed me he was there. Always there, always caring. In fact, I learned in pain, I see him the clearest. Love you, Nancy. And I’m praying.
Thank you my precious one ..
Oh, sweet Nancy; you have articulated so well many parts of the journey. Takes me back. Fourteen years But you are right – about the surprising sweet mercy. By the way, I am super-impressed that you are so creative and articulate at this stage. I couldn’t seem to focus enough to read let along write something worth posting. I glad you did write it and I’m trusting that you’ll be able to look back fourteen years from now and be blessed by your own words.
My friend- fellow sojourners like you have been such an inspiration to me on this journey. Reading has been a challenge. Audiobooks I am finding are my friends. The lack of concentration is so frustrating and frankly unexpected. Thank you for your encouragement
Blessings and hugs